In Divorce

Real Men Are Loving Men

Could anything be worse than a stock market crash? Yes, divorce. Divorce is where we lose control and become misunderstood. It is also the place that will define who we are for the rest of our lives.

At the beginning of a divorce we suddenly find ourselves in the midst of chaos and turmoil on all fronts. The woman we loved is now an enemy, our children are at stake, and our financial empire is being threatened. People all around us are taking sides; attorneys are smacking their lips and rubbing their hands together. We are angry.

It takes a while, but suddenly we realize that we are weakened, greatly. We concern ourselves with what others will think, how we will go on as a divorced man, and will we get to see our children grow up. We become torn between protecting our financial empire, and continuing to see our children. Bad things creep into our minds. Nobody seems to understand that we are the meal ticket. Do not kill us or everything will die. They do not seem to care. We feel pain. We are starting to humble ourselves. A little. But mostly we are feeling sorry for ourselves.

We begin to realize that very little in our culture can help us cope with divorce. We do not want to show our weakness, it is bred into us that we must be strong. But we are not. You know it and I know it. Once we start to lose the women in our lives we weaken and feel alone. It is not worth losing our women. We humble more. We feel even more sorry for ourselves.

We decide we will work even harder at compromise, to see her point of view, and those damned attorneys. We will settle this divorce with dignity and class. We propose well-crafted plans, brilliant compromise, and solutions worthy of the Gods. And then we present it to the other side, all proud of ourselves. Bad news…they want more than when we started.

It is right here, right in this moment that you will be defined. Are you in it to the end; are you willing to make love more important than anything else? Even during the one to three very hard years you will now have to endure? It will be worth it.

You will make more money choosing love. You may even get to have your ex as a friend. Your children will benefit, your future wives and girlfriends will benefit, and most of all you will benefit. Trust me. Do the work. Do not throw out the love.

Nothing will make these next few years any easier. No matter what you think you might gain financially or otherwise, it will all be meaningless before the ink dries. But love will carry on forever.

Listen to the podcast where I speak with my ex!

Why Women Leave Men

by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.

“I hurt all the time because I feel alone and abandoned.”“My husband is no longer my friend.”

“The only time he pays attention to me is when he wants sex.”

“He is never there for me when I need him the most.”

“When he hurts my feelings he doesn’t apologize.”

“He lives his life as if we weren’t married; he rarely considers me.”

“We’re like ships passing in the night, he goes his way and I go mine.”

“My husband has become a stranger to me, I don’t even know who he is anymore.”

“He doesn’t show any interest in me or what I do.”

Women tend to be more concerned about their marriages than men. They buy most of the books on marriage to try to improve them and initiate most marriage counseling. They often complain about their marriages to their closest friends and sometimes to anyone who will listen. And they also file for divorce twice as often as men.

Continue reading Why Women Leave Men

5 Steps To Better Living

Serenity - Quiet Clarity - The Blog of David Resnick

Sometimes a little spirituality can help

When you are going through any difficult time in your life, turning to spirituality or God can help. With all the different choices and confusion using simplicity and common sense can make these resources easier to use.

The Obvious Spiritual Truths

  • There either is a God or there is not.
  • God will not interfere with your choice. (Just look around.)
  • God may or may not offer assistance in some way.

The Obvious Human Truths

  • We do not know everything.
  • There are people that want to rule and people that do not want to rule.
  • Those that choose to rule pretend to know (or have) something in order to gain power, or are willing to use greater force.

The Obvious Personal Truths

  • You will die. (Do not feel bad about this, everybody does.)
  • What you do with the time you are living is your choice.
  • You will not always get what you want, but you always have the freedom to change what you want.

The Five Steps To Better Living

  1. Wake up to obvious truths. Ask for help.
  2. Knowing the truths, use your free will to choose how you live and what you believe.
  3. Become aware of how you feel. Learn the difference between what you “think” or “know” and what you “feel”.
  4. Use your mind to adjust your thinking to what you “feel” and not the other way around.
  5. Make your choices from what you feel, and not to win or gain something.

Divorce. The End Of Loving Your Mate?

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Does Love End?

During my first divorce, which was extremely unusual because I continued to live with my ex-wife for 3 years afterward…its a long story, people were shocked to see us acting warmly toward one another. It truly bothered them. This was hard for me to believe.

It is still hard for me to believe, or understand. The idea that you should not feel love and friendship toward a person who at one time was the most important person in your life is quite odd to me. I am not playing dumb, I just do not get it. Neither do my ex-wives, all two of them.

I have a continuing relationship with my ex’s, even the second one that can get extremely angry and litigious, and believe me she can – but we still speak on the phone often, and with great friendship and fondness for one another. What can I do, I just trigger her sometimes and she just triggers me sometimes, but I will always love her and enjoy her company. Sorry.

People Do Not Like Grey Areas

When I went to get coffee this morning I ran into a friend, a friend that I consider “spiritual” and “open minded”, and the type of person that would totally understand this sort of thing. We had the idle chit-chat you have in a coffee que, asking about each others day and things like that. “Today, I am going to see my ex-wife” after telling them my current wife is out of the country visiting her family. I got the “look”.

This actually surprised me because I had forgotten how people react to someone enjoying the company of a past spouse or even a past lover, but I think a past spouse seems to bother people more than a past lover. I wonder why? Anyway, WTF?

When I explained that my current wife and ex-wife get along with each other and we all see each other often, I got some surprise and shock and the kind of wonderment that only comes from people that no longer understand the rules. We humans seem to like rules. I never have.

Lets Change The Rules

The rules need to be changed. I am not so naive as to expect the whole of humanity to become enlightened and realize that love itself is more important than the form a relationship takes. Most people still get nervous by gays being married even though there is no danger they themselves will ever be forced to marry a gay person. Even more sadly, many people still believe God cares one way or the other. That God is more concerned about gays marrying than 25% of the entire world population dying from starvation on a planet with plenty of food. They may not even be aware, or believe, anyone in the world is starving. If they are aware I am sure they care very much about it. But right now they have bigger problems to deal with, there are gay people out there trying to get married dammit.

Back on topic now. Love includes the pains and traumas of life, of relating to one another, it includes all forms of relationship and all the changing forms relationship might take. There is never a reason to ditch love or throw love out the window. When you throw out love you throw out a piece of your heart, you lessen your ability to love, to tolerate, to grow, and worst of all to see that everything is love. That may sound cliche’ but it is the truth.

Until the consciousness of humans develops a little more we need a Messiah. We need a new Moses to come down off the mountain with new rules about love and marriage. Maybe that will be Brad Pitt, the masses seem to like superstars for their prophets now. Brad, it is time for you to become a prophet, speak to God, and then let the world know the truth. We love you. Now, get up there and start chipping on some rock.

Relationship Success Requires Good Communication Skills

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Communication Is More Than Just Words

Have you ever been in a fight with someone you love?

We have all been there, and it is not pleasant. But when you look closely you see there are many layers within our communication. In the recording industry they call these layers “tracks” and breaking our communication into tracks can help us to see what is really going on a little more clearly.

The first track is of course, the words that are spoken. Taken without the other tracks they are just words like – “I never really wanted to be with you and always felt you were an idiot with no class or scruples. You are an arrogant and horrible person.” What do those words really say to you?

You have to look at the other tracks if you really want to communicate. In this case you must look at the second track, where the emotional energies of anger and hurt live. This emotional energy track is what gives the words more impact. Both in terms of being hurtful, and in revealing the hurt in the person speaking the words. This person is upset and angry. This person may want to change the entire relationship, that is possible, but more likely they have a specific need that is not being met.

If you can put your own hurt and anger aside, you will be able to respond from a place of objectivity and care. This will allow you to respond in a more effective way.

You might respond with “Is it really true that you do not want to be with me? And what changes would you like me to make? I am so sorry, I want to understand, I want to make this work.” Now you are setting the communication for success, setting the tone for true compromise and resolution. This is productive communication and works much better than emotional battling.

Successful Communication Tools

Putting aside your own anger is hard, putting aside the desire to find right and wrong is hard, staying focused on the other person and helping them to get what they want is hard (especially when they are attaching you). Having tools can help, here are two that I use:

  1. Take myself out of the equation – take a breath and pretend it is a friend telling me about somebody else and asking my advice – get objective and with an open heart – do not take it personally. 
  2. Picture the other person as a small child – I like to picture a adorable toddler that is still learning how to deal with the world, a toddler that is cute and loves you dearly but has all these emotional impulses and does not know how to deal with them – a toddler that I know is really looking to me for guidance and help and love. 

The Greater Good

Learning to communicate better is our job. We do not have to hunt our food, find our water, fight off animals, discover new lands, learn to use fire, or any of the other things those who came before us struggled with. No, that is no longer our job for the greater good. Our job is to evolve emotionally.

Learning to communicate more effectively with those we are close to is critical to the survival and thriving of our species. This is a good thing, because in addition to the direct benefits you will receive by becoming a better communicator, you will also be helping the entire species evolve. That is a lot of motivation.