Jonathan wanted to be nicer. He wanted to stop reacting to everyone with a ‘ready to fight’ attitude. But people were so unconscious, or so he thought. When he would go walking they never seemed to pay attention to where they were spatially, and would not get out of the way. Find a path, go right, left or into the water but get out of the way!
Jonathan loved to walk along the beach with his feet touching the water, and was quite conscious of his urge to ‘stand his ground’ whenever unsuspecting walkers strayed toward his very own path. He tensed his body and waited to glance off the oncoming walker, and then immediately cursed himself and moved over. Why am I still doing this? My childhood trauma’s? No matter the reason. Jonathan truly wanted to love and accept others completely, and that meant yielding. Always. Oh well, I am a work in progress.
The two girls were in their twenties and quite flirtatious while they laid out there towels in preparation for sunning. Jonathan sat nearby in his chair under a large straw hat and watched them out of the corner of his eye. He noticed the girl in dark hair could ‘feel him’ looking at her. Why could some people feel others like that? But he knew that same feeling himself and stopped paying attention to the girls.
Later, Jonathan decided to play Woodoku on his iPhone, which he had to hold up and out of the glare of the sunlight to see. The two girls ran into the surf and were enjoying themselves. Jonathan noticed this but did not pay too much attention until the girls came out of the water and he noticed that same dark haired girl looking toward him. She had her attention on him for some reason. He let it go and went back to playing his game. No more than five minutes later the dark haired girl walked toward him and asked something that Jonathan did not hear.
“What?” Jonathan asked.
“Are you filming us?” the dark haired girl asked. Jonathan was taken aback.
“I have no interest in you.” Jonathan said defiantly.
“Because it looks like you are filming us, the way you are holding your phone.” the dark haired girl said.
“I have no interest in you.” Jonathan repeated, defiantly. And the dark haired girl walked away.
Immediately Jonathan felt bad. The same attitude he had when walking, I will intimidate them with my size and shoulder them out of the way. But that at least only happened inside his mind, or so he thought. Surely the other people on my walks have no idea I am thinking this way? Jonathan wondered. And then he thought about how he completely understood the black haired girl could ‘sense’ his attention, just as he knew he could sense hers. Maybe all people could sense the attention or intention of others nearby. Maybe some more consciously than others, but always to some degree. Jonathan realized this was true for him and if he was brave enough to let go of his arrogance and superiority, likely true for others too.
Jonathan thought about getting up and going over to those girls. What would he say? At first, he wanted to say, ‘I am so sorry I made you uncomfortable, I was holding up my phone to play a game. Do you want to see?’ Or something like that. And he thought about a few variations that were similar, but within minutes his mind wandered off to saying things like, ‘I realize you are very taken with yourself, but I assure you I was not interested in you nor was I filming you.’ Or maybe, ‘I guess you feel very well known because you have ten thousand followers on your social media page, but I have no idea who you are, nor do I care.’ Or how about…, and then he stopped and got himself under control.
That whole day was ruined with constant thought about the incident. Jonathan could not stop thinking about it, and most of his thoughts were about verbal vengeance of some sort. He tried so hard to find empathy, compassion, understanding, anything. But he could not. Why is it so important for me to defend my ego so diligently? Maybe my childhood trauma, maybe something else? All throughout that day and into the next, Jonathan hoped he would see those girls again, even though he was still not sure what he would do, but it would definitely be vengeful.
Jonathan never did see those girls again but he did have another interaction the next evening with some friends that gave him clarity, the details of which are unimportant for now. Jonathan realized that he was somehow energetically attracted to people that bothered him. People that forced Jonathan to see things about himself that he did not want to see. And that those interactions always reached a place right before coming to any action, and thereby stayed harmless. Like a learning experience, or a lesson. Could it be possible? Could I be projecting a desire for these interactions? And could some greater force be actively making certain I never get to the point of taking any action so that these experiences are exactly the lessons I am asking for so that I can become the person I want to be?
One never knows. Jonathan relaxed that night while thinking about how he would handle his feelings and thoughts about the odd evening with his friends.